"Hi, this is Commissar Yarrick here at the 2009 interspecies battle tournament. As you may be aware, five different species and a bunch of genetically modified farmboys ... heh, farmboys? Ummm... are duking it out to be the pick of the crop.
"I'm here with the boys, [behind his hand: smile and wave, boys, smile and wave] to get you the latest, bestest and greatest lowdown on this historic tournament. To get the lowdown on the lists involved and to laugh expotentially at the cow faced Tau, check this out.
"Before we get to the result, can I just direct your gaze back to here. Suneokun has pulled his digital camera out of the cupboard and has updated the blog-post with battle photos, reviewed and updated scores and even added witty comment ... yeah right whatever?!?"
"Look shmuck ... do I have to read all of this ork-spillage? I do? Good grief, I'm a blasted war hero! I've fought of the Orks off Armageddon! Twice! I don't have to do this, its beneath me... sorry what? I do, do I - or what? Ah, ok, the Arrogance? Oh right ... damn you all ...
"HERE'S the latest results!"
Tyranids: After a brutal display of hording evilness, the Tyranids wiped the Tau out to a man. Well actually half a man! That mean a full 3 battle points in the bag and an impressive 266 killpoints. Tyranids are definitely one horde to watch, but they are fragile and highly dependent on good deployment and keeping the Synapse creatures alive.
Guard: Surprisingly, the old guard are leading the 'drawists' and coming in a strong second. Despite having a codex that so outdated it could have dated it own daughter's offspring. The Guard managed a very convincing draw against the Orks, picking up 1 battle point. Convincing - try a 242 victory point difference. At 500 pts the range and firepower of the guard, combined with their 'Chimera gunship' is a telling challenge for all.
Space Marines: The Smurfs can only manage a paltry third after a lack lustre performance against the Eldar. They got one battle point for the draw, but only secured 58 kill points. This means a solid draw ties the middle of the table. The Commander was repeatedly unlucky in close combat. The saying power is good, the firepower is less so.
Eldar: For a battle that hung in the balance for so long, the Eldar were actually very unlucky to come off second best. A bit more survivability on the Waveserpent and victory would have been theirs. That said, they were very jammy with Farseer 'RockSolid' Redhelmet hitting every turn with his ONLY attack! One battle point, - 58 killpoints.
Orks: The Orks equitted themselves well, but failed to make it to the Imperial Guard gunline. Despite this, the huge mobs saved them as the killpoints were pitiful. The Orks still represent a dangerous challenge. The deffkoptas are the most mobile force in the tournament and most of the other armies will struggle to shoot them down, the Orks were lucky and got a single battle point. Despite this, the Orks face a significant hill to climb with a deficit of -242 pts.
Tau: Such promise - sadly misplaced. The combination of the Tyranids lightning attack and the persistent pestering of the Ethereal doomed the Tau of J'Etsu to their first ignominious defeat ever! The firepower failed them and their leadership tests never went the right way. That said, only the Tau have the fire power to face down the Guard AND the space marines. And if guided well, they stand an excellent chance of beating the Orks. Their small troop option is a significant weakness however. They sit at no battle points and a deficit of -266 killpoints.
"Stay tuned to your pict-slates for next weeks exciting installment of Six Army Battle Tournament Thingie... I can't read that! This goes out before the watershed, Emperor damn you man!